personal development

  • Julia Warner
  • No Comments

Getting What You Want
Getting What You Want 738 1024 Julia Warner

What do you want?

One of the most valuable skills anyone can cultivate in life is to be clear about what they want. Then it helps to have the courage to go out and get it. This may seem kind of self-evident, but it actually requires a bit more self-knowledge, i.e., personal development, than some might think. Additionally, it requires thorough preparation. And from my own experience as well as my experience teaching negotiation skills, this is what people most often underestimate. Yet it can make all the difference.

My conviction is that in order to negotiate well, you need to be authentic. That means you need to know what you want, and I mean what you really want. Advertising bombards us with ideas of what we should want, we can’t hear our own true voice amidst the cacophony of capitalism.

And then of course as social beings, we adopt the values of our environment without even being aware of it. We grow up with beliefs that are so embedded into our subconscious that we take them for truths. We may never put them in question even though they influence our decision-making on a daily basis. Do you want what you want because you really want it, or because you were taught to want it? How can you tell the difference?

Satisfaction is a helpful form of measurement.

Satisfaction

Over the years, I have found a helpful form of measurement for myself. It is not only a feeling of satisfaction, but also the duration of that feeling. Of course, what gives you satisfaction is totally subjective. But you will probably feel pretty satisfied right after you reach your goal. But how long does that feeling last? If you notice yourself feeling flat or disinterested about your achievement rather soon, it’s possible that it was based on extrinsic motivation. In other words, you were motivated by external factors to pursue that goal.

External factors could be approval from your peers, praise from your parents, acknowledgement from your boss or employer, attention from a romantic partner etc. All these things have their place; we do not live in a vacuum. And sometimes they gives us a needed KITA: “kick in the ass” to quote Frederick Hertzberg. Nevertheless, sustainable satisfaction and long-term contentment tends to come from intrinsically motivated accomplishments.

Preparation

Preparation is key to improving your negotiation skills and understanding what drives you intrinsically. Let me give you an example from my life that is perhaps a bit paradox. I recently bought myself a panel van and leisure activity vehicle. The reason why I write that this example is a bit paradox is because a car is often considered a status symbol. And status symbols are usually about external validation.

But I did not buy that car on a whim. Visions of road trips and being close to the great outdoors have always filled my vacation fantasies. And I did a lot of research and preparation in terms of what I wanted, what I needed, and what I could afford. Looking at different models that were available and comparing price with performance was my favorite pastime for a while. So I had the more technical or “rational” aspects covered.

But what was more decisive was looking closely at my motives for wanting to buy that car. I did not want to wake up two weeks after my purchase and regret my decision. Why did I want it, really?

Well, I very much enjoy camping. But what’s more is how that car symbolizes my most prominent values: autonomy, flexibility, adventure, and at the same time safety and comfort. And this is where self-knowledge plays a really important role. Sure a fancy hotel is nice for a weekend, but for a proper vacation, I want to explore the great outdoors.

Every time I get in that car, I feel a spark of joy combined with pride. And a lot of that pride is because I got what I wanted for a really great price. The research and patience paid off. It’s been 6 months, and I don’t regret it yet.

Authenticity

Sometimes it’s scary to admit to yourself what you want. Especially if it goes against the expectations of your environment or against the image other people may have of you. And so we return to authenticity. Developing the courage and the skill to not only know what you want, but to be what you want, will greatly improve your negotiation skills and increase the quality of your life. I really recommend it.

Keep growing <3 <3 <3 

Non-trivial-machine
  • Julia Warner
  • No Comments

Coaching Taught Me Leadership
Coaching Taught Me Leadership 768 1024 Julia Warner

A tricky task

I encountered the concept of the non-trivial machine (Heinz von Foerster) when I was training to become a coach at Train Consulting (www.trainconsulting.eu). Since the program focused on coaching and leadership, the participants were mostly managers developing their leadership skills by adopting coaching methods. And we all soon learned what a tricky task coaching is. Because you are not supposed to tell people what to do, it is a challenging way to lead.

Instead, a big part of a coach’s function is to strengthen an individual’s sense of agency and self-responsibility. When being coached, a person refines the ability to learn from experience. And this empowers them to take control of their development and produce their desired outcomes.

The coach accompanies the coachee on their learning journey. They support the process, provide an outer perspective, and set impulses. That way, the individual gets nudges that trigger new ways of looking at things. But a coach does not provide answers – and certainly not “the correct answer”.

As a teacher and trainer, this idea was hard for me to grasp in the beginning. Enter the idea of the non-trivial machine.

The non-trivial machine

First, it helps to look at what a trivial machine is to understand what a non-trivial machine is. A coffee vending machine is a trivial machine. I put in a coin, I press a button, and based on my selection, I get my chosen product. So, the input dictates the output in a predictable manner. A trivial machine should always produce the expected output. And if it doesn’t, the machine is broken.

A non-trivial machine is a machine where the output cannot be predicted from the input. The machine is autonomous. It chooses the output based on its current state or mood. Simultaneously, it factors in elements from the surrounding environment. This requires the ability to make judgements and think creatively. Human beings are non-trivial machines. That means you can never be 100% sure what output you’re going to get.

This concept really helped me shift my mindset. Working with people is not a linear process. Human beings are not predictable machines. Cause and effect are rarely transparent. Sometimes it takes different kinds of input to get the desired output, and these can vary from day to day. Hence, it is a continuous process of trial and error. And being able to navigate that uncertainty is what I call leadership.

As a coach or leader, I can set an impulse, such as asking thought provoking questions. Then in collaboration with the individual, we work with the output that emerges.

Traditional teaching is different

This is a different approach to teaching. Especially classical teaching methods, which go more into the direction of a trivial machine approach. For example, the teacher provides input, the learners reproduce it either correctly or incorrectly, i.e., a linear process. In this model, learning is imitation – which has its place depending on the context.

Yet, the assumption behind coaching is that the individual has the resources they need to find a good solution. They just aren’t aware of it yet. The coach supports the coachee in uncovering that. In this model, learning builds on existing knowledge, skills, and talents and is more individualized. This produces more original results.

Learning to become a coach has impacted the way I teach. Instead of feeling obligated to be the source of all knowledge, I want my students to learn that they can design solutions that suit them and their needs best. And the same goes for managers who want to lead their people.

Now I focus more on enabling the learning process – rather than controlling it. My aim is to foster motivation and self-responsibility.

Taking a coaching approach to teaching produces learning spaces that encourage experimentation, reflection, leadership, and innovation. And in this fashion we expand our most precious qualities of being human.

Keep Growing <3<3<3

Enter your
text here